Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
