Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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