Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
