Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I am mentally ready for anal.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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