Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
