Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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