My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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