the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
