WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
