I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
