and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
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There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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