I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
