For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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