A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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