spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
