im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Girls should come with a carfax report
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
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After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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