So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
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aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
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Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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