My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
