She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
