Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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