Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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