i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Im part way to drunk.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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