she was so not down for the gang bang
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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