i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
