I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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