happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Of course I have a pirate flag
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
