Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
