woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
