i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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