He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
