What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just threw up on my dentist
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
