We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
