You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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