Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
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It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
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I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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