Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
