Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
