went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
