i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
