You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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