he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Someone shattered a urinal.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
