I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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