Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
