apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
