It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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