Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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