Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I will die if light touches me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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