Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
