1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
