Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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