So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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