Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
