i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
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I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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