Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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