Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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