Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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