I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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