You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
