i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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