i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
