Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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