I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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