Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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