You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
